Welcome to my blog

To parents and adults on the spectrum: “If they don’t make you stronger, get rid of them!” #Autism #Aspergers

To parents and adults on the spectrum: “If they don’t make you stronger, get rid of them!”

Life is too short and fragile to waste it on negative people who hold you back and drag you down. Whether you are a parent of a child on the spectrum, or on the spectrum yourself, you are going to run into people who do not understand you, with negative attitudes, who pressure you to change, or invalid your self-worth. People who try to tell you what to do, what is best for you, and how you should act. These same people well make you second guess yourself, make you feel weak, and can make or break you. Whether you on the spectrum or a parent to someone on the spectrum, the feedback you get from those around us drastically effect how you view yourselves. Individuals on the spectrum, as well as many parents, often suffer from severe anxiety and depression, because of constant invalidation.

Given that we are all somewhat a reflection of the feedback we receive from others, it is important that we recognize the importance of building a network of people close to you that accept and validate who you are, and what you are doing. Forget about comparing yourself to those around you, who do not accept you, and who do not help you feel stronger. Forget about changing to meet the expectations of those who do not value you. Your differences and challenges do not need changing, they need support and strengthening. Your differences can be strengths if developed correctly, and are only challenges because others define them as so. Those who focus on invalidating your weaknesses, trying to change you, and dragging your down, get rid of them!

You need to build a social network of a few good friends who understand, accept and validate you. Who support you and help you to feel stronger. Negative, invalidating feedback, will be all around you; however, it should not be part of your immediate support system. Whether a parent or individual on the spectrum, know yourself, define some goals and short term objectives of what you want to do, and where you want to go with your life, and keep you focus on this plan. Be very clear to people that you understand that you have differences, but they are either with you or not worthy of you. You do not have time for those who invalidate you, and try to pull you back or change you. First try and explain your situation and direction; however, if they do not understand, then leave them behind. You can only succeed if you have strong support around you. We all need help and assistance from others to move forward. If the person doesn’t match that need, then say “no thanks” and politely ignore them.

I know, easier said than done! We cannot always determine who is around us, who are in power positions that affect us, and we cannot avoid many of the invalidating feedback that is constantly bombarding us. That is true, but I find that there are three main tools that we can use to avoid being affected by this.

1. Have a vision of who you are, where you are at, and where you are going. Know your strengths and weakness, and how to use your strengths to better you life. Have a plan on what you need and where you are going. Have some long term goals and short term objectives to help you stay focused on your vision. This becomes important when deflecting negative criticism. The more resistance you experience, the more important that you have concrete goals that keep you focus on what you need to do. Without those, you get sucked into all the negativism around you. When you have a clear vision you can more easily deflect the negative feedback. Also, you have to have a concrete vision and plan in order to measure if others around you are there to help you or hold you back. They either validate or support your efforts (vision and plan) or they are not part of your vision.

2. You need to find a small group (only needs to be one or two people) who accept and validate you and your vision. If helps to have family members and close friends that support you, but often that is not the case. You may need to look outside your immediate network to establish support. For parents I recommend local autism support groups of other families facing the same challenges, and for adults on the spectrum seek out adult support groups or join clubs around your special interests. Find others who think like you, and/or support your differences. Others who define your differences as strengths, and help you develop them. It is ok to be different, a little weird (different than others). In this day of age, many find differences exciting! Seek them out, and surround yourself with them. Different is good! You may need to step outside you immediate family to find these people. However, these people will make you stronger, validate your vision, and provide the needed support to build strong confidence.

3. You cannot always choose who is around you. You may have invalidating family members, relatives, coworkers, etc. who you cannot escape, for one reason or another. However, if you have an image and vision for yourself (step 1), have developed a strong support system around you (step 2), then you can deflect and ignore the negative feedback you cannot avoid (step 3). You may not be able to choose all of those around you, but you can choose whether their feedback affects you. If they do not understand or accept you, they are not a “credible source”. You don’t have to be angry at them, just write them off as ignorant (not understanding) and unworthy of attention.

You cannot become stronger without understanding who you are, advocating for what you need, and choosing who will support you. You are always going to be a minority (as a parent or individual) and always going to fight negativism and invalidation, but you can choose to reject it and learn to build a stronger support system around you. However, you have to have a true vision, and a plan of action to move you forward. You may need help with defining a plan. You may need to seek out a life coach, or counsellor, to help you define that vision and plan. You do not need “therapy” for this. You need a counsellor or mentor to coach you in identify that vision and developing that plan of action. Whether you are a parent or individual on the spectrum, having help in developing this vision can be very important.


PLEASE help me raise funds to keep my do

PLEASE help me raise funds to keep my dog alive.Insurance wont cover cardio appt. She’s dying. http://www.gofundme.com/5q81bs

Leave a comment »

Banana’s – A Natural Remedy

Banana for Breakfast anyone???
20130515-115651 AM.jpg
This is interesting. After reading this, you’ll never look at a banana in the same way again.

Bananas contain three natural sugars – sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world’s leading athletes.

But energy isn’t the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

Forget the pills – eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit’s ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

200 students at a Twickenham school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system..

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chroniclercases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Many other cultures see bananas as a ‘cooling’ fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has FOUR TIMES the protein, TWICE the carbohydrate, THREE TIMES the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, ‘A BANANA a day keeps the doctor away!’

Share with your friends!

Leave a comment »

Dear diary

Am really starting to feel the emotional pain and grief of my Fathers rejection. 5 long months waiting for that call or message, in return for my call early February.

I think I’ve had enough rejection to last me a lifetime, but this one really tops them all.

It feels like I’m grieving, but worse. At least in death their parting isn’t a sign of rejection.

It’s not like ‘he’ll come round’ either… He cut my sister off for 10 years over a disagreement over seating arrangements at her wedding. He still hasn’t contacted her to this day.

Anyway, I’m searching for reading material at the moment to help me come to terms with this, and came across this article which is very good.

So, if you, like me, have been tossed aside like an old slipper, this article may be helpful to you…

‘Sometimes I wish I had cancer so that my dad would give me some attention,’ confides my friend.

I should be surprised by her dark sentiments, but I’m not. In fact, I understand completely.

My friend’s parents divorced when she was 10 and ever since her father has been, at best, an absent presence in her life. For most of the year the pain of rejection is a dull ache, but for those big celebrations, like Christmas, the grief and loss come crashing through.

While I haven’t imagined myself with cancer, I have nurtured fantasies in which my dad recovers from a near-death experience and re-evaluates his life priorities.

In my dreams, my father, confronted by his own mortality, realises what he’s been missing and starts the process of reconnecting with his children and makes time to see his grandchildren.

I know that my fantasies are likely to remain just that: fantasies. All the research shows that daughters pay a high price for their parents’ divorce.

Research shows that girls’ and women’s relationships with their fathers suffer much more after divorce than their relationship with their mothers. Daughters also suffer more rejections than sons.

A 2011 study published in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage found that college-age daughters ‘are less likely than the sons to think that their fathers wanted to spend time with them’.

These daughters also report being less satisfied than sons with the amount of time they had together with their fathers and are less content than sons with their current relationship with their father.

Daughters are less likely than sons to reconcile or come closer to their dads even years after the divorce.

I have too many friends and acquaintances who bear out the research. The ‘relationship‘ — and I use that word loosely — that they have with their fathers is a strictly one-way affair.

One friend says that her father seemed to simply up and walk away from her family. Any effort to connect with her dad had to be on his terms — and his terms only. No allowance was made for her to adjust to him having a new partner or even to sit down and talk about the divorce. Any attempt to see him alone was interpreted as a sign of disloyalty to his new partner.

It seems that unless daughters enthusiastically and immediately embrace the new partner and their father’s new life choices, they will never be fully permitted back into his life.

While the details are different, the basic pattern is the same. Fathers seem to think that their job is over after their daughter finishes puberty. As my dad told me when I asked him why he no longer had time for me, ‘I was a good father to you when you are young’.

I no longer need a father to tell me to do my homework or pick me up from parties. But I still crave the love and support he once offered me unconditionally. I will never be too old for the love that parents are supposed to offer their children no matter what.

And even though I now have a family of my own, I feel the rejection from my father like a knife in the heart.

On so many Christmas and special occasions since my dad left mum for another women, and subsequently remarried, I have turned into a labrador. I bound in with stupid optimism, my tail wagging, and I roll over in the submissive position hoping for attention, approval and love.

But it never comes. Every year I leave with my tail between my legs, and indigestion from the scraps that I had been tossed to appease and shut me up.

But this Christmas I’m going to try something different. I’m going to take the advice of a psychologist who told me: ‘I have seen many fathers divorce their kids but kids never seem to be able to divorce their parents.’

‘Your dad is never going to be the father that you want. The only healthy thing you can do is accept it and move on. As long you keep hoping that he will change you will always be hurt and disappointed.’

I’m quite sure this psychologist is right. I’ve tried everything to reconnect with my dad. I’ve been hurt, angry, sad, vulnerable, happy, indulgent and yet I remain nothing more than an inconvenience from his past life.

This year at Christmas, I’m going to try to focus on the loving relationships that I do have rather than dwell on the ones that I don’t. I don’t think the wound of my rejection will ever heal. But neither do I have to rub salt into it every year.

Because after all these past Christmases, the best present I’ve had is the realisation that false hope is a bitch.

Kasey Edwards is the best-selling author of 4 books: 30-Something and Over It, 30-Something and The Clock is Ticking, OMG! That’s Not My Husband, and OMG! That’s Not My Child. http://www.kaseyedwards.com


From my window…

Up in my room, knowing I should really be asleep by now. I want to share a moment with my followers which was a real eye opener for me.

Forgive me if I use incorrect terms here and there, sometimes words fail me, sometimes they flow.

Before heading up to bed I saw something quite sad. I was peering out the front window downstairs to see how heavily it was raining. No real reason just a random thought but what I saw is etched on my mind.

We live on a main street, it’s about as ‘main’ as you can get. Picture a back street in London, grey and dreary, more takeaways than you could count on two hands and a multi cultured mish mash of middle and working class folk who really have no time or concern for each other.

Unlike the calm, unhurried existence of living in an old cottage deep in the middle of nowhere, where our small circle of neighbours were like family in the sleepy village of Craster, in Northumberland. It was a truly wonderful place to be, but too far from my family. The move back down South hasn’t been entirely without its problems.

Before self pity steeps in, let me tell you what I saw from my window:

Two homeless guys laying flat out in sleeping bags, under the cover of a bus stop, with just a small roof covering protecting them from the rain.

I wonder what life choices they messed up to bring them to where they are down there? I wonder where their family are and whether they care? Was it drugs or alcohol that broke them down? Whatever it was its really sad.

I’ve still got the picture in my head. I’m cosied up in bed, and a stones throw away are two of society’s rejects laying out in the rain.

If I didn’t have a kid in the house I’d offer them a couch.

It just seems so wrong.

How quickly people give up on people, themselves, their future .

What drove them to it? Depression? Mental illness? Addiction?

It just got me thinking that perhaps it’s an idea to be grateful for all the things we take for granted.

Take a look at what we ‘have’ got, as opposed to haven’t.

1 Comment »